They say that when you are alone late at night, if you can't sleep, that all you have left are your memories to keep you company. That can be a very scary thought. I know enough to understand that just because I thought something was the right choice at the time it doesn't mean that it was the right thing to do. All you can do is try to believe in yourself and try not to second guess. On the other hand if you want to learn from your mistakes you can't just forget about them entirely.
Relationships easily fall under this category. Whenever someone hears of a past girlfriend/boyfriend wife/husband getting together with someone else your mind instinctively goes into "what if?" mode. Unfortunately I suffer from the same problem. I could drown in the what ifs. It would be easier than drowning in the vodka that normally precedes it. I've had a couple of serious relationships that could have ended very differently. There's a very good chance that this blog may not have ever existed, but I always feel like there's something pulling me to where I need to be. Somewhere I need to make it to or something that I have left to do and the only way that I will be prepared for it is with the experiences that I've had. The down side is that I'm not sure that that something or somewhere is what I actually want.
I'm in my mid 20's. Definitely old enough to get married if I choose to, or at least to have children. Hell, if highschoolers can do it why can't I? I've had at least 2 chances to have a child. The first is the reason for my current mood, triggered by an event and the second hasn't left my mind since I first found out about it.
I dated this girl for 3 years. (I use the term "girl" loosely. I only date females older than myself, but that's just what I've always called them.) I will never forget the first thing that I liked about her was her attitude. I was destined to love and hate that very aspect for the rest of our relationship. She was cute and had a good sense of humor and wasn't from my home town which is a horrible place to live. Also she had 2 kids from a previous relationship. Both were fairly young. I'm horrible with numbers, but I believe the boy was 5 and the girl was 4. Unfortunately the kids were the conflicting part of our relationship. They were, and probably still are, good kids, but I just couldn't stand how they were being raised. I really hated how I was raised and I saw the same thing happening to them.
For as long as I remember my mom has been yelling at my sister and I about anything and everything. Whatever it was, it was always our fault. After several years of depression for my sister and I both I have finally started to come out of it. I really believe that there is a time in everyone's life where you get to decide whether or not to continue to do things the way you were raised. I know that somethings aren't just skin deep and can't be forgotten in a day. I still live with some form of depression. They probably have some sort of long, scientific name for it and everything. Standard doses of the standard medication. Overall I really hate living in general. That said, I don't believe in suicide either.
I treated her kids as my own. I wanted them to be able to do better than me and not have to deal with the same problems when they grow up as I have to deal with now. That includes mental problems. I know that my dad had to deal with a lot when we were kids, probably more than my sister and I, but I just couldn't do it all over again. It makes me feel weak, but I know that that reaction is just from how I was raised.
Still, love is a strange thing. I knew that I wouldn't be able to stay with her while she screamed at her kids, but I still loved her and wanted to stay with her. Some times were better and some times were worse. I loved them, and her. It's not something that you can just turn on and off.
After 2 years the subject of having kids came up. She told me that she didn't want anymore, but I knew that she did. I've always thought about having a child. Someone to help make the sleepless nights less lonely. And to do it soon enough that they will be able to benefit from my dad's wisdom. Someone who would, without a doubt, be mine to keep forever.
This was the first situation where it was a possibility. All I would've had to say was that I wanted it to happen and my girlfriend would've agreed. Even if she wasn't sure at first I know that I could've talked her into it and she probably wouldn't have regretted it. Not to my knowledge anyways. But in the end I know that the newborn would get a little older and be treated like the other two and that I would never be able to change that so I never let that happen. Still, I feel like I abandoned them. They don't have a dad growing up like I had. Something to keep them sane with all the craziness. A wall to put their back against. I don't know if I could've been that for them, but I could've at least tried.
I broke it off. Plain and simple. I just couldn't do it anymore. She didn't take it well and wouldn't accept it. That's how I had a cast iron skillet thrown at me. Not like a 7 inch, 2 egg, frying pan. I mean a full-sized 10 inch dutch oven. Actually I was probably lucky. If it would've been smaller it would've been easier to throw in her drunken state. All I ended up with was a bruised shin and a blackened toenail. I've never been one for violent relationships though and since I had been drinking was not ready for that kind of confrontation. Also luckily neither one of us had to go to jail, but were both strongly advised by the local police to go to our respective homes.This was a solid month after I gave her the news.
The other girl I met afterwards. Well, I already knew her, but didn't know her that well. She happens to be the only one of my ex-girlfriends that I am still able to speak to and the only one I really wish that I was still with. It's one of the universe's paradoxes (paradoxi?). I know that if I had stayed with her that I would always be broke and that we would fight constantly, but she's also the only girl that I know that can make me smile no matter what.
She wasn't able to take the more popular kinds of birth control, so I did what all young, stupid males do, I got her pregnant. For reasons that I can't go into online she felt that we wouldn't be able to keep it. I've never really been able to decide if that decision was good or bad, but as with all unclear choices the most confident answer is always the right one. I don't know if she would've made a good mother or wife, but I know that we would've continued to fight over everything.
but, what if....
There's never a way to go back. This isn't a playstation game where you can just reload the last save point and you may regret it if you did. All the new experiences that you've had in the mean time can't be re-lived either. If I had had children with the first girl I would've never known the second. It's both depressing and encouraging. All I know is that it still keeps me up at night years after it happened and I can't let it go.
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